Static

I've never been particularly good with static. If there is something wrong with the TV, I have to turn it off. That scratchy, buzzing noise drives me to distraction. I am not a fan of road noise or loud fans or rumbling, idling vehicles. If there is something clicking or rattling in my car, I must find the source of the noise and fix it. I hate unanswered call bells, fire alarms, tornado and emergency vehicle sirens. Got it? Incessant noise is not my thing. It never has been.

That's the cruelest, most ironic part of my whole tumor experience so far. My ear buzzes. All. The. Time.

I want to get away from it. Take a little break. Have a few minutes of peace but I can't. It doesn't change pitch or frequency. It's constant. It gets louder sometimes, especially when I'm really tired, but never gets soft enough to ignore. When I'm in a restaurant or loud room, it makes it impossible for me to focus on what's being said. When a room is very quiet, the buzzing is right there making it impossible for me to focus on what I'm doing. I'm having trouble at work. Sitting down to do paperwork is almost unbearable. What did I say earlier in my nurses note? I can't remember. All I can remember is that my ear is buzzing and I can't get away from it. My husband is talking to me. "Huh? Sorry. I wasn't paying attention to you, I was listening to the static."

I've asked my ENT multiple times for some help. "There's really nothing to do" he tells me. "You just have to get used to it," "get a sound machine," "it'll get better over time." These are not acceptable. They are just platitudes that do not placate me at all. They do not offer hope. He tells me that it's my brain compensating for my reduced ability to hear. Stupid brain. The one time I want you not to work at your optimum level, you have to go and be an overachiever. I find it hard to believe that millions of people experience this tinnitus (stupid sounding fancy word for a really annoying problem) and no one has figured out a way to fix it or at least, reduce it. There are some clinical trials, some terribly invasive surgeries, etc. that I've read about online. There are support groups and other unhelpful things out there but none of them offer any hope of making the buzzing go away. I don't want to talk about it. I want it gone. I also find it hard to believe that we can re-train our brains to make us walk, talk and eat after terrible injuries but we can't train it to stop being noisy?

If you can't tell, this makes me really mad. That's frustrating because I know I shouldn't be mad. I should try to deal with it. Be calm and carry on. Rise above and be strong and all that. (More platitudes.) Maybe talk to some people online, get a little support, find out that people don't stop functioning because their ears ring. I'm getting these headaches and my neck hurts. I'm pretty sure these things are due to me clenching my jaw all the time. That's not a way to deal with this. It just makes me more miserable which makes me sink, just a little deeper, into the the little pity pit that I dig some days.

I guess I'll just wait until I go talk to this otologist next month. Maybe he'll have some ideas, suggestions or coping strategies that don't involve masking the buzzing with static.